Former Yank great; Duck Duck Goose goes off on most of MLB
Former Yankee great and Hall of Famer, Duck Duckworth¹, put many of today’s players and management on BLAST this week. Speaking from the near empty stands of a spring training game, Duck held nothing back in his condemnation of some current players and management.
“The game is an absolute disaster right now,” Duckworth started, “And I’m not racist, BUT², you got all these fucking Latino guys strutting around, flipping bats, smiling, like they’re in goddamn Circle(sic) du fucking Soily or whatever the hell that shit is called” “This is America’s fucking pastime you assholes, have a little respect and play THE game the way it was meant to be played with zero emotion, a stoic demeanour and a quiet competitiveness”
He added; “Don’t get me started on this steroid shit either; we had a guy try to sneak a 3rd cup of coffee before game time once, so what’d we do? We stripped his ass naked, pushed him into the shower, closed the door, held it shut, and then turned the coldest water on him till he punch through the door breaking his hand, poor bitch never pitched again, but he got what he deserved” and “All I’m sayin’ is we wouldn’t-a put up with that shit, we woulda policed ourselves”
When asked what he thought about where the game was headed with advanced metrics and such, there was simply no containing him; “Oh fuck, you talkin’ bout them Princeton pussy ass nerds that have damn near taken over the game?! What the fuck do you think I think?” which led to; “These are the same assholes we used to give wedgies to in high school; what the fuck do you think they know about actually playing the game?”
“Now it’s all, ooooh don’t let that poor pitcher throw more than 40 pitches, we better take him out in the 3rd inning… are you fucking kidding me?!?! I once pitched 17 straight innings in a tie game, I was starting to get a little tired by the 14th inning and coach came out to the mound, asked me what the fuck was wrong with me, and told me ‘if I wanted to be a dress wearing bitch that his fat ass wife had grew out of some clothes and he could have her drop some off after the game’… so what’d I do? I manned up and finished the fucking game is what I did”…”And sure, I couldn’t move my right arm for 2 days afterward, but I pitched again 2 days after that”
Despite several people in attendance agreeing with the basic principle that pitchers are perhaps babied a little too much now, it was then pointed out that there must be some positives to the analytics movement that he could actually agree with; such as the acknowledgement of the value of walks perhaps?
AND that’s where you would be sorely mistaken… He damn near had a stroke when he went on this tirade:
“Walks?! We talking about mother fucking Walks?!”, “You little pencil pushing know nothing pricks know what a walk is?! It’s when a pussy ass hitter is too afraid to swing the goddamn bat; that’s what a fucking walk is”… “If you looked at 4 of my pitches back in the day and didn’t swing your goddamn bat, you sure as fuck could count on the ball coming RIGHT AT YOU next time up”… “Now it’s all, ‘oooooh look at him, he’s so noble taking all them walks’… WRONG, this is mother fucking baseball, understand?! It’s about throwing, catching and hitting… THAT’S IT… and you can sure as FUCK quote me on that”
Duckworth then went back to passing along³ sagely advice to the young spring training invitees. By all accounts, a shrewd move by the Yankees bringing in someone with such vast experience and knowledge.
- Of course we’re talking about Goose Gossage, what? Do you live under a fucking rock?
- Anytime somebody says, “I’m not racist, BUT”, you sure as fuck know what follows will in fact BE racist.
- And by passing along sagely advice, we CLEARLY mean poisoning impressionable young minds.