NBA Player suffers freak injury outside restaurant
Reports are just starting to trickle out, but from the best we can disseminate, a prominent NBA All-Star caliber player has sustained a significant injury outside of a Canadian restaurant after their game against the Raptors on Sunday.
Details are scarce, but if it’s a Canadian restaurant; it’s safe to assume it was either a Poutine Bar or Tim Horton’s location.
That’s where things get a little murkier though. It sounds like the player, yet to be identified, whom we’ll only identify as BG, slipped and fell on a banana peel of all things. Now, since neither Poutine Bars nor Tim Horton’s serve banana related products, it’s unclear where exactly this unfortunately placed banana came from.
We reached out to several teammates and team related officials for comment. None of whom wanted to say much, other than; “keep an eye on Instagram, cause things are about to get real”.
We tracked down a friendly Canadian who was supposedly¹ on location during the incident, who was quite happy to clarify what happened. The man, whom we’ll refer to as Mountie Mike, due to his red shirt and lack of other identifiable characteristics, had this to say; “Look eh, these real big dudes were like coming out of this Poutinery eh, and like, the first guy out was like a little shorter eh, but still like taller than every Canadian I know eh, and he pulls this banana peel out of his pocket and kinda like looks around eh, like he’s looking out for polar bears or something dangerous eh, and then just like drops it on the ground eh.”
What happened next will shock you; “Like next thing you know, the even taller guy behind him like steps on the banana peel eh, and starts thrashing all around like a beaver on too much maple syrup eh. Then he just falls to the ground hard eh, and he’s like so tall that when you like fall from that distance eh, you’re gonna hurt yourself worse than a Canadian Goose migrating through that LN Knee N Yo thing they talk aboot on that weather thingy eh”
We pushed further, “Are you suggesting the first man out the door dropped the banana peel intentionally??”
Mike said, “Look eh, I dunno, it’s like hard to predict what a person is thinking eh, but like, it sure looked that way to me eh”
This is where things get interesting. Why would one of BG’s teammates intentionally injure him?!? He’s an All-Star caliber player, well regarded amongst teammates, and just a generally well regarded individual on Instagram… Then, like a sign from the heavens, we read the 16 other articles written about this incident and discovered that the Clippers were actually 11-3 when this BG character was out of the lineup and a measly 18-13 when he played. And then there was clarity. If the teams’ management wouldn’t trade this BG character to help improve the team, some of the other players may or may not have allegedly taken matters potentially into their own or someone else hands². Fortunately for his teammates this happened in international waters³ and therefore isn’t subject to league or team jurisdiction.
- By supposedly, we mean; he said he was there, but had also consumed several Rye shots, so the reliability of his account could possibly be in question.
- Maybe, coulda, possibly, who knows… and every other vagary you can think of that could couch this statement.
- The foreign and mysterious country of Canada