BREAKING NEWS — Half the NFL applies for move to L.A.
It was announced last week that one or more NFL teams had applied to move from their current cities to the Greater Los Angeles area. It has been known for quite sometime that the National Football League desired to return a team to Los Angeles despite previous iterations of the NFL in L.A. failing miserably. Most recently in 1995 when Los Angeles lost both the Raiders and Rams.
It appears that sheer market size was too much for the NFL to resist, and with several ugly team/stadium/ownership deals around the league, the NFL will once again seriously consider allowing a team or teams to relocate to the Greater Los Angeles area.
There’s been several rumours out there about which franchises have applied with the National Football League for relocation, but only Sukker Punch was able to acquire¹ the full list of applicants. As you can see from the list below, it is actually a staggering 14 franchises that applied!!
- New York (J E T S)
- Tampa Bay
- New Orleans
- San Francisco
Now I know what you’re thinking. We’re surprise as much as anyone by some of those listed so we decided to investigate a little. We attempted to contact a representative from each region for comment. This is what we’ve learned.
With the team officials refusing to comment, one local Buffalo politician offered; “Can you blame the Bills? L.A. will probably build a stadium that would house the entire population of Buffalo!” and “Maybe we could work out one of those, ‘The Buffalo Bills of Anaheim’ situations and keep one game a year? like a reverse Toronto deal”
A random St.Louis resident on the street told us; “Any time your teams’ owner spends that kind of money on real estate in another city like L.A… it’s more a matter of when and not if it’s going to happen”
An undisclosed² Jets team official had this to say; “Look, for us, it’s about not sharing a city with another team, we’re just sick and tired of playing second fiddle to the Giants…” and upon interrupting him to let him know how many other teams had also applied, he finished with; “Ah fuck, this would be a disaster now wouldn’t it?! Of course with our franchises luck, we’d get approved for the move along with 4 other teams”
Every Philadelphia quote was laced with so much profanity that they were all practically intelligible. So we asked for comment with a rival team official who had this to say; “When you have a team that makes such a bold coaching move like Chip Kelly, and that turns into an absolute dumpster fire, I mean, what other choice do you have than move? They just need a complete reset and there’s nothing more complete than changing cities”
Cleveland? Well, no quote necessary; God just hates them.
Detroit… just two words; Auto Industry.
Let’s call this the Bermuda Triangle of inept Florida Franchises. We doubt any of these 3 franchises actually want to relocate, but they’re all SO poorly ran, that you can’t rule them out either. It was hard to find someone for comment as we were calling around at 7 in the evening but one Florida resident when reached for comment said; “Huh? Speak up, I can’t hear you” and “Back in my day, Football was played without Helmets, now that’s one move I would support”
Surely the Saints wouldn’t relocate, they were so integral in the revitalization of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, it would be just such bad juju that it would probably cause the “BIG ONE” and half of California would slide into the ocean after said earthquake. And initially we were confused why no one from the Saints organization would comment on this; but then rumors started leaking out that Sean Payton had a bounty on anyone that dared to discuss it.
As far as Atlanta goes, if you started the season 5-0 and then MISSED the playoffs, wouldn’t you want to hide somewhere too?
An undisclosed³ Titans’ official had this to offer; “Hey, it didn’t work in Houston, we’ve tried it in Tennessee, third times a charm?”
A member of the Indianapolis Colts P.R. department may or may not have made this confusing argument; “Look, we play at Lucas Oil Stadium right? And you’ve seen where Oil prices have gone lately right?; so just do the math”
Finally San Francisco… Nah, just fucking with you. #14 is Oakland, and no one needs any explanation there.
So there you have it. I’m sure at least 2 or 3 of these teams will be very happy in L.A. for a good 15 to 20 years or so, and then they’ll probably attempt to move back to the cities they abandoned to begin with.
- Of course by acquired, we mean MADE UP
- Undisclosed probably means doesn’t exist.
- Hmmm… I’m sensing a pattern… probably doesn’t exist.